I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
You Might Also Like
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.