Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
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Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
I’d love this…lol
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
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[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.