Life cycle of cat
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The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.