Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
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Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
They got Raph!
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.