[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
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Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no