date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
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BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Ah yes. The three genders
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.