cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
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My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK