The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
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WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.