Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
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literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?