The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
You Might Also Like
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”