Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
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The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.