pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
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I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.