Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
You Might Also Like
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.