Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
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I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE