alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
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My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.