I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
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Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner