I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
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This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Body by Oreos
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.