Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
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I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job