jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
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2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Monday
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.