[two years ago]
me: planet with the rings?
google: S͟a͟t͟u͟r͟n – Wikipedia
[now]
me: does italy exist
google: nope.
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casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]