finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
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*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America