My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
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“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape