Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
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Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.