[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
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I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.