Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice