If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
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I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
No, he would not have.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.