HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
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Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
*swipes right on my hand mirror