Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
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I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
I got soap in my shower beer again.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
my dog when i have a friend over
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all