Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
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Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Yes, but it was never about money
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags