Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
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My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
How actors in movies eat their food
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.