Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
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If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
When your best mate counts as a desk too
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.