Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
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*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets