“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
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Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…