If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
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I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize