I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
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Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”