The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
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Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
let’s discuss
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
j o i m p
79.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
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