friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
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Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
When I laugh on my period
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.