My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
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He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
What if all the cashiers are married?
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.