Foo fighters still fighting foo.
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*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
That’s it.I’m out.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.