I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
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Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….