My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
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“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Investing in beetcoin
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.