You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
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I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
This could be us but you eatin’
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.