A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
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Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
peeping toms
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!