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My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.