8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
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*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
Jurassic park gets weird
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
That earthquake could have been an email.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I’m an avid indoorsman.