Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
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[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?