Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
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I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
I’m sorry…what?
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.