How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
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Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
And that about sums it up.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
incredible
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.