*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
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cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
when nothing goes right… go left
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.