My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
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I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.